Andy Shaw: A Guide to the Green Industrial Revolution

Guest post from our good friend Andy Shaw; taking a light hearted look at some pretty serious issues around Boris Johnson’s version of the Green New Deal. Andy is also the powerhouse behind London based Comedy Unleashed who are still running, despite the batflu restrictions. Book early and get along there to enjoy a pint, pizza and pisstake if you’re in the area. Give Andy a follow on twitter to keep up with the latest.

A Guide to the Green Industrial Revolution

The government has announced their Plan for a Green Industrial Revolution. It will bring electricity to light homes, gas for cooking and cars to drive! You may think that we already have these things, but this is a Green revolution, everything that we have got used to will be re-invented. Boris Johnson’s 10 point plan includes heat pumps, hydrogen gas and batteries, but what is really going on? This is your 6 point guide.

1. Green is popular!

Boris Johnson’s dad and his current girlfriend have a favourite colour and it is .. green! This shows that green policies are popular across generations and that the government is right to revolutionise our entire economy.

Sustainable living is not just popular in government circles, it is also fashionable amongst those who have a highly sustainable income. The most successful people are happy to ensure that their second car is electric and that they pay a little extra for airline tickets.

Although the general public has not been consulted about the costs of the green revolution, everyone likes trees. It is hoped that adding the word ‘green’ to the word ‘jobs’ will do the trick.

2. Jobs!

The government’s Covid lockdown policies have succeeded in decimating the hospitality, travel and retail industry, so the boost in Green jobs is welcome.

The green economy will see a boom in certain white collar jobs: Carbon Auditors, Sustainability Directors, Green Consultants, Climate Conference delegates and Subsidy Form-Completion Experts will be in high demand. Fortunes will be made by City traders dealing in the newly invented carbon credits. A new breed of carbon tax collectors could be guided by carbon regulators, based in Whitehall. 

Although de-industrialisation may create mass unemployment for skilled workers, manual work will be plentiful in the burgeoning Green economy. Car mechanics can become loft insulators, steel workers will plant trees and then chop them for fire-wood. Everyone will learn to replace their own boilers and cookers. No longer will the working class enjoy the pride or wages of skilled and productive work, but we will applaud them for becoming ‘key workers’ during the coming decades of climate emergency.

3. We must act now!

Some have said that it was Carrie Symonds who persuaded Boris Johnson to act now, but it was the Covid computer modellers that helped him to fully appreciate the power of the climate message. 

The Prime Minister has watched in awe, as Neil Ferguson and SAGE produced frightening graphs that gripped the nation and forced government action. We will soon see the same ‘scenarios’ deployed to show the coming waves of climate apocalypse. By simply replacing ‘Covid infection rates per 100,000’, with ‘CO2 parts per million’, the same charts can be reused to show the unfettered growth in climate catastrophe. The ‘R’ rate will be replaced by the ‘Carbon’ rate and every natural incident, from floods to heatwaves, will be shown as proof of the climate pandemic.

4. World leadership

Joe Biden, will make climate change the centre point of US diplomacy. Although previous administrations preferred to create alliances for wars in the Middle East or against an ‘Axis of Evil’, the new President has declared war on a gas, carbon dioxide. Although, the war may inflict greater casualties on US industry than previous conflicts, it is hoped that it will invigorate American leadership amongst the western world.

Keen to rekindle the ‘special relationship’, Boris Johnson has demonstrated that he is an ally in the climate war. He aims to seal the alliance at the COP26 international climate conference, where he will show Churchillian vigour against the odourless gas. 

5. Wind power!

Boris Johnson has promised to quadruple the number of wind turbines. He sees a vision of concrete and steel spanning our oceans, in a bid to protect our beautiful natural environment. On the coldest of frost-bitten winter days, when the skies are clear and the air is still, we can admire the phalanxes of listless windmills far out at sea and know, that we did our bit to cool the globe.

Boris has announced that we could become “the Saudi Arabia of wind”. Critics have suggested that this is hot air and windy rhetoric. Cynics believe that a reliance on wind will make us we “the North Korea of electricity”. Can we look forward mass rallies praising Dear Climate Leader?

Either way, jobs will be created to maintain the oceanic wind turbines to prevent them from becoming rusting hulks and to manage the ranks of diesel generators that spring into action when the wind doesn’t blow.

6. Electric vehicles!

The government has brought forward the ban of petrol and diesel cars to 2030. For those of us who live in flats, we can look forward to the pleasure of driving to the nearest charging point in order to charge the battery long enough for the return journey. For those of us who live in houses, we can look forward to the sight of cables criss-crossing the pavements. Although car batteries will need to be replaced every few years, it is hoped that don’t start to behave like mobile phones, that run out before the day is over. 

Boris is hoping that the UK, in 2035, will not resemble today’s Havana, where old petrol cars are maintained, for decades, by enterprising mechanics.

Environmentalists have raised the fear of mass climate migration. Although they have painted a picture of poorer people moving to western countries, it is possible that the green revolution will encourage westerners to migrate to an increasingly prosperous Asia. Boris may have unleashed a revolution that he can’t control.  
© Andy Shaw, 26^th November 2020 Twitter: @AndyShaw1